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Hold my hand . . .

I just ran 3 miles 

I just cried for the last one 

I need to write this, I need to get it out, I promised I would always be real on this blog . . . here and here

I am not good at this parenting thing.  The past three nights I have hit my lowest parenting moments, that will forever be etched on my memories and that I cannot take back.

There was shouting, there was a pillow thrown, there were tears, lots of tears, there were words said that I cannot stuff back into my mouth although I wish more than anything I could.

The past 3 nights have been bad.  I thought having a newborn/baby who needed fed every 2-4hrs was hard but it is nothing (at least in my experience) compared to a 4yr old who wakes with night terrors, nightmares, a nose she cant (wont?) blow by herself who is hysterical and won't stop screaming and kicking . . . 

When they are little you are told if you are going to lose it or you are super frustrated, put the baby in a safe place (their crib) and leave the room and give your self 10 minutes to calm and collect yourself.  That works; I did it many times with both my girls

But a 4yr old wont stay in one place, a 4yr old will follow you and keep talking, and crying and talking; pounding on your buttons until inevitably the volcano erupts.  

This may seem foreign to those of you with little babies, it would to me.  I couldn't imagine that I could ever be at my wits end with my sweet little baby girl, but here I am and this is happening.  

The past 3 nights I have gotten probably a combined total of 4 hours of solid sleep, and this is the fuel for the fire.  I have said it here before but I will say it again; sleep deprivation is a form of torture and between our 2 girls I probably get 5 nights of full, solid sleep a month, the rest are littered with nightmares, teething, and waking up for god knows what reason 100 times!

The past couple of mornings I have felt like the alcoholic waking up and apologizing for the night before. 



I need help figuring out how to diffuse these situations, how to remove myself before the explosion.  I need your advice, tips, support, books to read??? Anything to help me navigate this parenting thing . . . xoxo

4 comments

  1. I think that it takes great courage to admit that you have "lost control." That is the first step to understanding the cause and to make changes. There is no such thing as a "perfect" anything and judgment has no place here. Follow your instincts, your heart and do not be afraid to ask for help. I admire the fact that you put it all out there.

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  2. You're easily one of the best Mums I know.

    Every time I see you with your girls I'm amazed at the way you interact with them. I don't know how many times Am and I have talked about how nurturing and caring you are with ALL of our babies.

    These little ones are the toughest tests we'll ever face, NO ONE gets through it unscathed. You've helped us through some tough fazes with our wee monkey, this is what this is too.

    I'm not where you are yet, so there's not much practical advice I can give you, but I know this...you love your girls more than anything in the world. They are very lucky to have you as their Mum. They know that, even if they don't understand it yet.

    We're all going to lose it every once in a while. You're giving every ounce of energy and every waking minute of your life to your baby girls, it's physically and emotionally impossible not to unravel from time to time. Every parent has these moments, just think of what we put our poor Mum though :/

    Thanks for freaking me out though, I thought last night was tough with a 2 year old jumping out of the crib and face planting, now I know all the fun stuff I've got to look forward to ;)

    We love you, we're proud of you, & we're here to help in ANY way we can.

    You big brother

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  3. Emma-

    So hubby walks into the house last night from work just as I'm yelling at Miss M. In my defense, she was yelling first ; ) It happens... Not one of my best parenting moments but not the worst either. I'm pretty sure when M can talk in complete sentences, "Eff Off" will be one of the first phrases I'll be hearing...lol But she knows I love her, just like your girls know they are your whole world. Good for you for recognizing you need help and not being afraid to ask for it. That is HUGE... and what a wonderful trait to teach your lovely little ladies. You're rocking it mama... every day of the week and twice on Tuesdays. You're allowed to be human. Take a deep breath and keep rockin' it.

    Jess

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  4. Wow... such an honest post.

    I honestly think that most mums feel this way at some point or another, and the ones that don't are lying :) As a mum of two little girls, aged 3 and 1, you can believe me when I say I know this feeling all too well. And yes... it's shit (that's the best word I've found to describe it). But the wonderful news is that its temporary.

    The only advice I have is don't be afraid to ask for help. I never did with bub number one. I kept thinking it was just a faze, she'll start sleeping through soon, next week will be better. But after eight months I was exhausted and depressed. So when bub 2 came along I promised myself that I wouldn't make that mistake again. SO with a little bit of help (from my wonderful mum and a few select friends), I've managed to survive the last year with a little bit of sanity still intact.

    Everyday in our house at one point or another, someone is screaming, someone is covered in food, and someone is running around without any pants. As long as I'm not the pantsless one, it's a good day :)

    I hope things are getting better now and you're getting some decent sleep.

    Rose

    ps. I love your blog!! :)

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Thank you for your comments, I truly appreciate it! Have a fabulous day. xoxo E

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