Articles like these are becoming so much harder to read as my littles are growing up so fast . . .
My posthumous advice for my daughter (by Caitlin Moran)
‘Nine times out of ten, you probably aren’t having a full-on nervous breakdown – you just need a cup of tea and a biscuit’
My daughter is about to turn 13 and I’ve been smoking a lot recently,
and so – in the wee small hours, when my lungs feel like there’s a
small mouse inside them, scratching to get out – I’ve thought about
writing her one of those “Now I’m Dead, Here’s My Letter Of Advice For
You To Consult As You Continue Your Now Motherless Life” letters. Here’s
the first draft. Might tweak it a bit later. When I’ve had another fag.
“Dear Lizzie. Hello, it’s Mummy. I’m dead. Sorry about that. I hope the funeral was good – did Daddy play Don’t Stop Me Now by
Queen when my coffin went into the cremator? I hope everyone sang along
and did air guitar, as I stipulated. And wore the stick-on Freddie
Mercury moustaches, as I ordered in the ‘My Funeral Plan’ document
that’s been pinned on the fridge since 2008, when I had that extremely
self-pitying cold.
“Look – here are a couple of things I’ve learnt on the way that you
might find useful in the coming years. It’s not an exhaustive list, but
it’s a good start. Also, I’ve left you loads of life-insurance money –
so go hog wild on eBay on those second-hand vintage dresses you like.
You have always looked beautiful in them. You have always looked
beautiful.
“The main thing is just to try to be nice. You already are – so
lovely I burst, darling – and so I want you to hang on to that and never
let it go. Keep slowly turning it up, like a dimmer switch, whenever
you can. Just resolve to shine, constantly and steadily, like a warm
lamp in the corner, and people will want to move towards you in order to
feel happy, and to read things more clearly. You will be bright and
constant in a world of dark and flux, and this will save you the anxiety
of other, ultimately less satisfying things like ‘being cool’, ‘being
more successful than everyone else’ and ‘being very thin’.
“Second, always remember that, nine times out of ten, you probably
aren’t having a full-on nervous breakdown – you just need a cup of tea
and a biscuit. You’d be amazed how easily and repeatedly you can confuse
the two. Get a big biscuit tin.
“Three – always pick up worms off the pavement and put them on the
grass. They’re having a bad day, and they’re good for… the earth or
something (ask Daddy more about this; am a bit sketchy).
“Four: choose your friends because you feel most like yourself around
them, because the jokes are easy and you feel like you’re in your best
outfit when you’re with them, even though you’re just in a T-shirt.
Never love someone whom you think you need to mend – or who makes you
feel like you should be mended. There are boys out there who look for
shining girls; they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your
ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of
your heart. The books about vampires are true, baby. Drive a stake
through their hearts and run away.
“Stay at peace with your body. While it’s healthy, never think of it
as a problem or a failure. Pat your legs occasionally and thank them for
being able to run. Put your hands on your belly and enjoy how soft and
warm you are – marvel over the world turning over within, the brilliant
meat clockwork, as I did when you were inside me and I dreamt of you
every night.
“Whenever you can’t think of something to say in a conversation, ask
people questions instead. Even if you’re next to a man who collects
pre-Seventies screws and bolts, you will probably never have another
opportunity to find out so much about pre-Seventies screws and bolts,
and you never know when it will be useful.
“This segues into the next tip: life divides into AMAZING ENJOYABLE
TIMES and APPALLING EXPERIENCES THAT WILL MAKE FUTURE AMAZING ANECDOTES.
However awful, you can get through any experience if you imagine
yourself, in the future, telling your friends about it as they scream,
with increasing disbelief, ‘NO! NO!’ Even when Jesus was on the cross, I
bet He was thinking, ‘When I rise in three days, the disciples aren’t
going to believe this when I tell them about it.’
“Babyiest, see as many sunrises and sunsets as you can. Run across
roads to smell fat roses. Always believe you can change the world – even
if it’s only a tiny bit, because every tiny bit needed someone who
changed it. Think of yourself as a silver rocket – use loud music as
your fuel; books like maps and co-ordinates for how to get there. Host
extravagantly, love constantly, dance in comfortable shoes, talk to
Daddy and Nancy about me every day and never, ever start smoking. It’s
like buying a fun baby dragon that will grow and eventually burn down
your f***ing house.
“Love, Mummy.”
i love this...of course it made me cry. i'm going to save it and write something for my girls too.
ReplyDelete:)